God has ALWAYS been there!

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." - Psalm 139: 13-16

I know when my birthday is, of course...the day I left my mother's womb and entered the world. However, I'm not exactly sure when it was I began to exist. I don't really know when my "conception day" is! I'm sure very few of us know. Even if our parents know the day they joined to make us...no one really knows when it was that the sperm met the egg.

Psalm 139 says that God was there, watching. That He knit us together. In my mind see the Lord's gentle hands guiding a very special and chosen sperm to the egg. I don't see anything happening "by chance" or accident. I literally can see Him taking and joining the egg and sperm and knitting them together...and then sitting back and watching with complete joy and love as the cells begin to divide over and over. I see Him sitting there and watching the ENTIRE process for the whole 9 months that we live, growing, in our mother's womb...with a love and pride that only a Father can have.

In nursing school we did an entire rotation in maternal/child (OB/Labor and Delivery/Post Partum). It was my favorite....but, I didn't realize it at the time. (That's a whole other post!) It was during this rotation, as I learned in great detail all the things that have to come into alignment in order for a baby to be made, that I really began to understand the MIRACLE that is every child. And, ultimately, the miracle that every individual is on this planet. It's easy to lose sight of with people getting pregnant unwantingly, "babies having babies", abortions taking place, women on welfare with multiple kids, etc....and then the flip side, more and more couples facing infertility. It would appear that some women are just more fertile than others...and, in all that, it's easy to only look at the science aspect and forget the Lord's role in it all.

I don't mean to discredit science. I believe that's the way God designed it. And, as you really break down the science of it...in my opinion, you can't help give credit to the divine. When you look at the hormone levels that have to rise and fall and ovulation and all the things that have to take place in a woman...in order for her to ovulate. Not to mention compatibility of the man with the woman, in terms of fluid. Then you have to factor in timing... And then when you step back and look at this very, VERY small window that conception is possible...you have to wonder how ANY babies are EVER made!

It was as the Lord really spoke to my heart about all this that I came to the realization that, truly, He is there for EVERY child's conception. There are no accidents... YOU may not have intended to get pregnant, but God had a different idea...and He wanted that child, made that child, and gave that child to you. There is a lot I still don't understand...for some women getting pregnant is easy and they have to really be careful is they aren't ready for, or don't want to add to their family. And for others pregnancy is difficult...they have to jump through hoops, and they still may not achieve their goal. But, the fact still remains....God is in it all. His plan is perfect, He sees all and knows all.

My heart is warmed and I feel special knowing...God has been there since the very beginning. He hung out, watching over me lovingly. In my mind, talking to me about what my life would be like...breathing into me hopes and dreams, things that I have always taken for granted. Like my desire and passion for singing/music....I imagine in those days, weeks, months...God was placing those giftings in me as I grew. So, it's always been there...always been a part of me.

He really is our daddy....He kept careful watch over His precious package. Much as a new parent does when they first bring their baby home...they watch them sleep and breath and just stay close in case their baby needs anything. The keep them close by the bed at night so they can respond quickly. The wrap them tight and hold them close to help the baby feel secure. So did our Father do with us.

New kicks

Caleb got his very first pair of shoes this weekend....size 5W! We went to Striderite and were in and out in like 10 min. When you're that small, the selection isn't all that vast....plus, that's pretty much what we went to the mall for. We had done a bit of homework before going, so...it was just a matter of finding the right size and paying. I was a bit floored, however, when the nice saleswoman informed me that I need to have his foot measured every 2-3 months until he's 2 because that's how much his foot will be changing! Woah! I don't know why I was so surprised, considering how much he's grown and changed....but, to hear it laid out like that was kinda like a sock in the gut!

I've begun the invitations for his party...I would like to get them all made up this week so I can get them sent out the first of October....which is approaching rapidly and will be here before I know it! It's just best for me to keep a few steps ahead!
Maybe I can find some cool ideas of 'decor' that I can make inexpensively....then I won't have to buy a lot of stuff. I need to find a tree that's dropping acorns...

Matt will be starting an outage here shortly...one in which he will be working nights. I'm not looking forward to that...I hate outages as it is, but especially when he's working nights. He's basicly out of commission for those weeks... Oh well, it's a job and we're blessed he has it and the OT will be some nice extra cash which is needed so I won't complain...too much. ;)

What if the Lord had not been on our side?

David asks this question in Psalm 124:1. It's interesting, and scary, to think about. Where would I be? Would I even be here still? I shudder when I think of some of the very foolish and dangerous things I have done in the past...positions I have placed myself in when I was following my flesh more than I was the Lord. And, the truth of the matter is...I really have no clue how many times the Lord has saved my butt... What if He hadn't have been on my side? What if, even just once, He decided to give me the true justice I DESERVED.

"The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. He will not constantly accuse us, nor remain angry forever. He does not punish us for all our sins; He does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve." - Psalm 103: 8-10

Thank the Lord we aren't all getting what we actually deserve for our behaviors/actions! I don't want to even consider what life would be like if He wasn't on our side...

It's good to reflect upon where the Lord has brought us from, what He's brought us through and what He's taking us to. Because, the Lord being on our side doesn't only mean we've escaped "punishment" we are deservant of...it also means we have been granted Grace, Mercy, Compassion, Love, Riches, Glory, Annointing, Gifts, etc...that we aren't worthy of. It's because of His love for us, and because He's on our side, that he bestows upon us these wonderful blessings.

Carried by our Savior

"Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day He carries us in His arms." -Psalm 68:19

It's a difficult thing to fathom, being carried each and every day in the arms of God. But it's comforting when I really reflect upon it. To remember it at all times, in every situation....that's what He would want us to remember. He is, after all, our Father.

Someone recently broke it down for me: (It may not sound as profound to you as it was for me that day...possibly the enlightening came from the fact that I really needed a reminder!) God is our Father, and as such He doesn't delight in our wrong doings...nor does he focus on our failures. He doesn't punish us and "kick us while we're down". He loves us. If you're a parent, you can relate. When your child is learning to walk (which my son currently is....so, this picture is very real right now), in the process he takes a step and falls. There's a lot of falling in the process of learning to walk. As his mother, I don't focus on the falls...I rejoice in the accomplishment of every. single. step. Every step is a wonderful accomplishment...and, oh boy! two in a row deserves a call to grandma so she can rejoice too! In fact, I was just informed by said grandparents today that if Caleb starts walking while they are away on vacation (2 weeks) that I NEEDED to call and inform them! Did they ask me to call for every stumble? Ummm....no, that's silly!
Why on earth would we ever think that God, our Father, who loves us EXPONENTIALLY more than we love our own children (hard to fathom)...who CREATED us, why would we think He is any different?

God isn't the one focusing on our wrong-doings, or foul-ups, our "oops-es"...WE DO. That's right, it's us. With a little (or a lot) of help from the stinky devil. Woah....wait...I'm doing this to MYSELF??? Yup...pretty much. Whether it's pride, condemnation, guilt....whatever the case may be, we become consumed with the wrong-doing that we forget to FORGIVE OURSELVES. God loves us. He's waiting to pick us up, dust us off, and encourage us that next time...we WILL do better. We'll take two steps! And He'll rejoice in that! We're the ones counting the falls between the steps....not Him.

Caleb/Food Update

Caleb is 10 months old now! I can't believe how fast time has flown by! I'm especially in awe lately as I've taken a babysitting job for a 3 months old little boy in my neighborhood...it's a reminder of how far Caleb has come from those days. It's amazing how much a little life changes in that first year!

Caleb is a very active little man, pulling himself up on everything and even pushing his walker around in the living room. It's only a matter of time before this little guy is walking...but, of course, everything on his terms!

I'm really not certain how much he weighs or how tall he is...and we don't go back to the doctor until his 1 year check up. He wears 12-18 months bottoms and 18-24 months tops. He's still got 6 teeth...but we suspect more are on their way soon by the fact that he's forever got his hand crammed in his mouth!

He says 'da-da' and does a LOT of babbling, but nothing that sounds like any words we are familiar with! He entertains himself very well, just scooting around the living room, looking outside, getting into everything! He claps, and has done a 'ify' wave once or twice.

He has a pleasant demeanor most of the time and is very smiley and happy. He still tolerates being over-tired well...which is nice since he fights nap time like the plague!

Matt and I have been busy "planning" his first birthday party. We've decided that we will do it here at the house, and pray for good weather so we can have everyone in the backyard! We'll do a fall/harvest theme and have the menu pretty much planned. It should be a good time! I'm getting excited thinking about it....it's still a couple months off though! :) We also have his "Halloween" costume picked out...I just need to order it. I say "Halloween" because I'm not thrilled about that holiday...but our church does a fun harvest party and the kids all dress up and play games and get candy...so, that's primarily what the costume is for.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

As far as my eating/working out/weight loss update goes: We're at a bit of a standstill...but, I'm not too disappointed.

I've done a good job of maintaining my eating habits...with a few exceptions.

We had family in town in mid-August...which meant a lot of meals together and eating a bit more...but I did really good through it all. It's when my menstrual cycle began that I kinda "lost it"...and I gained a bit of weight back. (I supposed I should have said that I was down a total of 20 lbs).

After the "week of hormones", I was back on track and quickly was back down to what I should be. So...now, I'm just maintaining. I know I need to add exercise into the regimen....that will make a huge difference for sure! But, at this point I'm just happy to be maintaining with the diet!

I know the rest will come...

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God..."

"Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will not be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me. O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge." -Psalm 62: 5-8

Again, the Lord is reminding me that if I take refuge in Him, no enemy will be able to reach me and I WILL NOT be shaken! It's difficult to remember that, or even feel that way, in the midst. But...that's the truth. The key, however, is choosing to seek refuge in Him....not the tv, or the computer, chocolate, our spouse...nothing else but God will bring us to that place where we won't be touched or shaken. Where it's POSSIBLE to wait quietly before God.

Too often I forget to seek refuge in Him...I do what my flesh finds easiest. Try to ignore by doing something mindless so I don't have to think. Or bury myself in comfort food, or the comfort of my husband's loving arms. While a comforting hug from my husband isn't bad, it shouldn't be where I seek refuge....because as nice as it may feel in the moment, his arms can't protect me from my enemies....only HIS can.

Forgetting to seek refuge in Him, makes it pretty much impossible to wait quietly before Him. I basically turn into a snotty, 2-yr-old who wants her way now and when she doesn't get it does the spiritual equivalent of throwing a temper tantrum. As unflattering as this makes me sound, I'm certain that if people were honest they'd find that this was true of themselves as well. I'm pretty much certain it's true of anyone, who forgets to seek their refuge in the Lord.

Verse one of this psalm says "...my victory comes from Him". If we choose to seek refuge in Him when life just seems to be "blech"...He WILL protect us from our enemies, He WILL keep us from being shaken and He WILL give us victory!

"My only hope is in you."

Psalm 39:7- "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you."

It's difficult for me to remember, while I'm in a situation, that my hope is in Him....not the situation. I get too caught up looking at my surroundings, focusing on what's going on....and the hopelessness of it....I forget that my hope doesn't lie there. My hope shouldn't lie in my own abilities, my husband's, my church or pastor's, my parents or family, my country or government...all of these things/people WILL fail me. It's inevitable.

My only hope is in You...

Lately, as in the past few weeks....ok, possibly longer....it seems as if my life has been bombarded with said "situations". Whether percieved or actual. Although, if I'm being honest, a lot of these situations actually take place in my mind. Not that I'm intentionally making something up or stirring up "drama"....it's more like I get focused on the future....making plans, trying to figure things out....and I forget that I'm not even promised tomorrow! I'm not even promised the next hour! How on earth do I get so wrapped up in what MIGHT happen?

My only hope is in You...

The enemy of my soul tries to steal my hope in things that the Lord has promised me...tries to get me focused again on situations, or what I see presently happening. The Lord wants to give us the desires of our heart....I mean, He placed them there in the first place. And, sometimes, those desires are BIG. HUGE, even. Huge enough to seem....impossible. See, that's the neat thing about God....with Him, all things are possible. So...if our hope is in Him and the desire is from Him....WITH Him, it's attainable.

My only hope is in You...

I need to stop thinking so much on the negative...what I see at face value. I need to TRUST that the God who created me, who knows my thoughts and desires and knows all things, has "got my back". If I'm seeking Him and His will for my life...despite how things may seem, I can HOPE in Him...and believe that it's all gonna be ok.

My only hope is in You! Thank you Jesus!

Where has 9 months gone??

Wee turned 9 months earlier this week....I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!! Matt and I have been tossing around ideas to celebrate his first birthday, which I fear will be here before I know it!

It was just over a year ago that I was on my way home from a meeting at church.... As I turned the corner onto my street, I didn't know that my life would forever be changing that day. I didn't know that I would be finding out that I was going to be a mamma. Not in the 'ordinary' way was I told, by a plastic stick with pink lines, or by a phone call with lab results. Instead, I was given the honor/privilege of being asked if I would consider raising someone else's baby. Someone made a selfless and heart-wrenching decision to offer their child a life she knew she couldn't provide. I have no idea what that feels like....I will probably never understand. The closest I can come is the grief I've felt over 3 miscarriages, and yet I know it's totally different. I don't know if I've ever had to make a decision that selfless...I don't know that I could do it. It was on that day both of our lives changed forever....as well as the life of that baby growing inside her.

It was just over a year ago that I was struggling with the direction to take on how to become a mommy.... Do we pursue more treatment? Should I call the doctor again and set up another round? Can I handle more disappointment, loss, grief? Am I strong enough? I got my answer, not in the way I would have expected. But, the Lord heard my cries and answered my prayers. He made me a mother, in the most unexpected way....at the most unexpected time. He heard all along.... And, I believe, He waited for the perfect timing of THIS child that was growing in someone else's womb. As crazy as it is to understand/comprehend...I believe the Lord saw this day....and the decision this selfless woman was going to have to make. I believe He knew that this moment would come for her, and that He would lay it on her heart to think of us. I believe the Lord, when He was knitting Wee together, was knitting him for Matt and I.

It was just over a year ago that my heart had a void. That my body ached to be a momma. That I grieved for something that seemed so far out of grasp, so impossible to attain. It was just over a year ago that doubt had creeped in almost too far to chase off. That self-pity hung around like a new best friend. That anger over the 'why's' and 'what-if's' was lurking around every corner.

It's funny how much has changed in just over a year. The wait to become a momma seemed to be eternal...and yet, in retrospect, it really wasn't that long. I need to keep these memories of how GREAT my God is at the forefront of my mind. That He hears every pray, and answers in His time, in His way. As I yearn to add to my quiver, as the aching void tries to reacquaint, I must let go knowing that God is in control. I may not not know if it's in God's plan for me to conceive, or to even adopt more children; I may not know when, or how....but I do know that God's plan for my life is perfect. And all I need to do is keep my eyes on Him.

Weight Loss/Healthy Eating

New post for a new thought....Mainly, this didn't really go with the previous thoughts and I didn't really think anyone would want to read a blog post a mile long....not that anyone will read this anyway!

So, I've recently lost 15 lbs just from calorie counting and making healthy food choices. My journey actually began at the beginning of the year when some routine labs done for my annual physical found my cholesterol to be obscene. Actually, it was mainly my triglycerides that basically ratted out my horrific eating habits and how "out of control" my life (probably in general, but defiantly as it relates to food) had become. But, I suppose I should go back a little further to give you a mini history on my "relationship" with food.

I never had a weight problem growing up...but I was always conscious of other people's body types and comparing it to mine. At just over 5'2 with a muscular build, I was always very small...but I had some thicker legs. Of course, it's always WAAAAAAAY worse on the inside looking out. And, as I'm sure most females can relate, I was very critical of my body and always wanted what I didn't have. However, it wasn't until high school that I really began a pattern of unhealthy eating...getting by on cookies and chocolate milk many days at school for lunch, hardly ever eating breakfast. There was one week I went almost an entire school week without eating much more than a cookie at lunch...no dinner. That week happened to be a week I was auditioning for a chorus line in our school's variety show. As I was practicing on stage one night, under the hot stage lights, I started to black out. I recovered and I don't think anyone noticed....but I realized then that I probably needed to eat!

After I graduated high school, I traveled with a singing group and we were forced to eat out a lot. I gained about 15lbs and I felt horrible. As soon as we got home, I got a job and fell quickly back into some crazy habits of not eating. It was kinda "easy" to do because I worked as a server and was typically working during meal time, so by the time I could eat I wasn't hungry. Needless to say I dropped all the wt I gained and then some.

However, as life got pretty bumpy I found comfort in food. I felt that if I had a bad day, or a really good day, or whatever...name the reason and it was an "excuse" to eat poorly. Whether it be a dessert or McD's I 'deserved' it...I earned that meal and that splurge. Soon...it wasn't splurging, it was just all the time. In my early twenties I found myself gaining more and more weight. I still don't know how much I weighed at my top, but I was wearing a size 16 (typical for me was 6 or 8).

When I was around 24 some things in my life changed, mainly my relationship with the Lord became stronger. I began to care about myself and what I placed in my body. As I ate better I had more energy and I began walking everyday after work. I got a dog and he was another reason to keep active. Because I don't know exactly where I topped out at I can't say for sure how much I had lost, but at one point after I had lost some wt I remember weighing around 185...and I had gotten myself down to about 150, a size 12 I believe.

I was doing it, and it felt great. I changed jobs, and with it was a bit more active and some more weight dropped off pretty quickly. However, as my relationship with the Lord wavered a bit...some old habits creeped back in. It felt so good to be dropping wt so quickly that I began to skip meals again. Pretty soon I had lost all the wt and was back down to what I weighed in high school, back to a size 6/8....but I was hardly eating. And because of this my metabolism was on lockdown, and I needed to used laxatives in order to use the bathroom. As my life spiraled further away from the Lord anxiety and panic attacks set in, which caused my stomach to hurt all the time...which further hindered my eating. Soon after Matt and I married I turned in the other direction, seeking comfort from food again. By the time we had been married 6 months I had gained back almost all the weight I had lost! Add in nursing school...ADN and BSN, fertility problems, adoption, bumps in a new marriage...and my weight had reached a lifetime high....200 lbs! WOAH!

The good news is my relationship with the Lord is back on track and has been since about a year into our marriage! The bad news is, because of all the stress and...what I feel have been distractions in my life placed there by the devil....I've continued on with my bad habits/thoughts/attitudes bout food, and really about my own self...what I'm worth and how I view myself. UNTIL NOW!

So, at the beginning of the year when I got my report about the tri's, I was disgusted. And, I was a bit scared. I'm 32. I have a son now. I want to be young and healthy and active. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch someone else do things with him because I'm not able. And what's even worse....I'M A NURSE. I'm educated....I know what's healthy. I know how to eat right. I'm just not doing it.

With a negative health report and my son as inspiration I changed my thoughts and actions. I began a food journal, counted calories and started working out 3X/week. I was doing great and had lost about 12 lbs. Enter allergies/asthma/illness and vacation and at the beginning of July I found myself back to where I had began. Ugh....NOT GOOD. At the beginning of the month I just decided that I can't go back, I can only go forward. And I can't get discouraged by setbacks and just quit. This is not a diet, this is not a temporary thing....this is my new life. I need to understand that when I get sick or go on vacation, or things change in life that I just keep doing what I can and pick it back up when I can. It goes along with the perfectionism I referred to in my last post.... When I feel I'm messing up at something, in the past I've often thrown in the towel. I did this a lot in the past with school. If I got a poor grade, or maybe not even a poor grade but one that was less that I expected/anticipated/wanted....I would often give up and just kinda try. Well....that is all in the past now. I'm gonna mess up, I'm gonna fail from time to time....sometimes I will eat McDonald's fries. It's gonna happen. But, that doesn't mean I throw in the towel and eat the rest of their menu too...and hit Taco Bell for dessert!

So, I re-readjusted my attitude/mindset and got back in the game at the start of this month. Because life has been busy with finishing school, some church activities and ending the month with this nasty virus I've had for about a week...I haven't started my exercise regimen yet. But, I'm so excited that my body has just responded to the healthy foods. I eat when I'm hungry...I eat smaller amounts...I'm not being a strict calorie-counter like before because I have a good idea about caloric amounts for a lot of things. And, I am down 15 lbs. Maybe it's been a bit over a month because we're now into August, and I don't remember when I "began" again in July....but, roughly, it's been a month.

My challenge to myself it to keep track of my goals and accomplishments publicly. To hold myself accountable to the "bloggy world". I may not always have good news to report....but, that's ok. As long as I get back on the "wagon". I should take a pic of myself to try and see the progress. It can me kinda like the month-to-month preggo pics some women do....only, kinda in reverse! (No, I don't be showing my bare belly!)

Along with that, I really want to find some really great new recipes and would like to share with you the ones we really enjoy and will add to our household. Matt really would like me to plan our meals out for the week...instead of going to the store and just getting whatever and then trying to figure out a meal....we will go to the store for exactly what we need for the meals that week. (This also goes hand in hand with us attempting to streamline our budget and see where cuts can be made and savings had, etc.)

So....I will get a pic up soon....onward we march. I can't believe I'm still awake!

Insomnia

I believe this cough syrup I've been taking is having the opposite effect that it should... I believe the warning on the bottle says may cause 'dizziness or drowsiness'...yeah, got none of that going on! It's got codeine in it for pete's sake...why am I not starring at the backs of my eyelids right now? Oh well...
Matt is sleeping, Caleb is sleeping...even the dogs are snoring in the kitchen. I'm awake, on the couch, on the computer, mid-manicure (I mean, what else is there to do but give myself a french tip?) and I thought blogging would be a good idea.... :)

I still am not keeping up with my blog like I would hope to...I think I need to do better about that. To 'vent' and write and think 'out loud'. Here's what's being tossed around in the 'ol noodle....

Matt and I went to see a community theatre production of the musical "Hair" tonight. (Before I go any further I must explain that I really knew nothing about this musical...Matt and I have enjoyed watching live theatre as a treat to ourselves from time to time...we've seen Jersey Boys, Wicked, Hairspray...all traveling professional companies.....I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS MUSICAL WAS ABOUT....if I had, I would NOT have gone to see it). So...mistake #1 was not educating myself as to the content of this show. Mistake #2 was going to see community theatre when we've been partaking in off-Broadway productions. Needless to say...it was a disaster all around. On the ride home we're discussing and laughing and I pointed out that I probably have a better voice than everyone in the show tonight. After saying this I turn to Matt and ask if that sounded horrible/rude...I didn't mean to be so blunt, but I really felt that way. (Now...mind you....I sing on a regular basis in my church choir/praise team....but have NEVER done any community theatre. The closest I've been was in high school, where I NEVER auditioned for a part...I just stuck with the chorus because it was 'easy'.) Matt turns to me and says...that may be true, but they were up there and you weren't. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaang. But, he's right. I don't feel a call to use my voice for community theatre, or any theatre (not that I think there's something wrong to do so). I do feel called to sing/lead worship for the Lord. And yet...I get all hung up on sounding 'perfect', sounding a certain way, pleasing people, pleasing myself... I freeze.... And then what comes out is not an accurate representation of the gift I believe the Lord has blessed me with , or the attitude/soul behind what I sing. This perfectly leads into another thought...

I get so caught up in making the "wrong" decision at times that I don't make any decision. This could be as simple as purchasing an article of clothing to as complex as taking a new job. I've been applying for jobs here in the last few weeks as I am now officially done with my BSN and it is also clear that once the student loans come rolling in we will need me to be making some income to offset the increase in our monthly expenditures. I don't need to work a lot of hours or make a ton of money...but, we will need a bit extra. So, I've been applying for some positions to areas I feel would be a good fit for me (OB/NICU positions mostly).... I learned from my last job that 3rd shift is not a good option for me/my health, and yet most positions posted are 3rd shift. I also know that I really want to be home as much as possible so that we don't have to content with daycare. So, basicly I have all these "criteria" of what my perfect job would be...and I'm not sure if that even exists! And then to make things more confusing, there is a couple in my neighborhood who have no family in the area and not a lot of great daycare options....so, this could potentially be a good fit. I pray, and I pray.....and I want so DESPERATELY to hear the Lord. Because I want to be in His will, I want to do what HE wants me to do...and I don't want to be miserable because I'm not in His will. So, I end up going round and round about things in my head until I'm so confused.....

I guess I just want to be DONE....done being confused and frozen and fearful. So what if I move forward in the wrong direction? As long as I'm being prayerful about what I'm doing and am honestly listening for His direction, He knows my heart and if I get it wrong He'll gently guide me to the right place. And so what if I sing and the notes don't all sound perfect...if I'm in His will and doing what He's anointed me to do, the notes won't matter as much as the anointing that flows from obedience. I'm tired of the devil trying to rule my mind with confusion and fear. I'm tired of trying to be perfect. NEWSFLASH JEN....you aren't, and you never will be this side of Heaven. God knows your heart, He knows you desire to be in His will with all things. So...just be bold. If you make a mistake....make it big. Because you can't be GREAT in Him by tiptoeing around in life.

I'm ready to be the woman that He created me to be. Strong and bold, determined and passionate, eager and willing, a servant with a humble heart and a willing attitude, confident about the gifts He's given me and not afraid to step out of my comfort zone and use them. I know there is a purpose in my life that He created me for...I want to be used, I don't want to be passed up because I wasn't ready or willing...or because I was too afraid I might 'get it wrong' or 'mess up'. He wants us to come BOLDLY to the throne....BOLDLY!!! Lord I pray for boldness in my life...a boldness that I've never experienced before. To say and do things without question....to stand confident in knowing who You are, and who I am in YOU!

I'm baa-aaaack!

It's been a very long time since I posted anything! To be honest, juggeling my last few classes of school and being a mom was enough for me to take a break for a while.... Not really an anticipated break, but a break was needed nonetheless.

I am almost, officially, done with school! yahoo! I literally have one more paper that I have to write ( and am dragging my feet to do so) and then I will be done. I'm so excited, I feel like I can start to breath and move again....that my life and schedule won't revolve around clinical days and school assignments and having to get a babysitter. I've tackeled some pretty big assignments these past couple of semesters, which have been amazing and challenging...but have also been a bit draining. With that said, as excited as I am to be completing this chapter in my life (at least for now, I don't have plans to continue immediately on with my Master's), I'm also a bit sad. I've worn the role of 'student' for so long, and have really enjoyed (mostly) gaining my educuation. I've identified with that role for so long it's going to feel foreign to have it removed from my life...to take that 'hat' of, so to speak. Removing that hat will allow me then to embrace my role as mother and 'housewife' 100%, and I am looking forward to that...

I've been praying about if I should go back to work now or if my place is to be at home. As a nurse I could (in theory) find a part time job and work 1-2 days a week and still make decent $$ to help with our finances (that doesn't meat there is a job available like that...where I live). But, I really like the idea of being home; I feel like I've waited this long to be a mommy...I want to be there for every milestone and not hear about it secondhand. Sigh...

Caleb is now 81/2 months....he's 22lbs 3.5 oz and is almost 30in. tall! He's in the 90th percentile for both ht and wt. He wears 12-18 mo clothing for the most part. He does a pretty mean army crawl while simultaneously pushing off with his toes on our wood floors. (I really think our smooth wood floors is why he hasn't bothered to get up on his knees and crawl traditionally, he can just slide himself everywhere!) He's got 4 teeth, two on bottom and 2 on top. I've been making all his baby food and he really loves all things so far....except for maybe carrots. That's still to be determined because I think I may not have cooked them long enough and therefore they didn't puree very well...so, he could have been protesting the texture. He still gets two bottles a day, on in the am and one around noon. He loves to scoot around the living room and explore....and, in ture baby style, loves to investigate everything OTHER than his toys! He babbles a lot, not any real words or syllabls. He is pretty laid back and happy most of the time....even when he's tired, he doesn't usually get crabby. But, when he's crabby it's evident that he is! He loves bath time, really loves it. This may be totally normal for babies, I don't know because he's my first....but he seems to have a real love for being in the water and doesn't seem to be afraid to put his face in. So, I think I'm going to get him in a swim class this fall (or whenever the next session starts) so we can keep this comfort of the water, while also keeping him safe in/around water.

Matt is doing well, just batteling a bit of "pre-pneumonia" right now...but, he's really feeling a lot better now that he's got some antibiotics. Last week found us all sick with a random, nasty cold. Caleb bounced right back and has just a residual cough. I was down a few more days, but Matt started in with a fever and took some days off work last week. He finally went to the doctor yesterday (after I insisted). I'm sure Matt will be back to his normal self in no time.

I guess that's a good "catch up" post. I promise to keep better tabs on my 'ol bloggy-poo!

My baby....

I guess I should say my "other", non-human (nor cainine), school-project-ish baby. This semester I am taking an Evidence-based practice and a Nursing Research course. For both classes I am working on writing a protocol for inducing lactation in adoptive or surrogate mothers (whether they have previously given birth/lactated or not). I'm excited to be working on a project that is so close to my heart....it makes school work more interesting and doable (I mean, it's still WORK). For the Research class I'm formulating a research proposal that would be needed in order to determine if the protocol I am writing is effective. I don't have to carry out the research portion, just formulate the protocoland proposal...but, in my dreams I would be able to carry out the research and have the protocol I write be made into a "standard of practice". I would love to be able to spread the knowledge, for both healthcare workers and adoptive/surrogate mothers...that they are able to nurse their baby if they so desire. Although not uncommon, many people are still unaware. I would love to see that changed and have a part, if small, in doing so.
I've spent a lot of time pouring over articles and books in the past weeks (well, this past week especially)....and because this remains so close to my heart, it's not just another school project that I've devouted a lot of time and energy to. I always take pride in the work I do for school, but this goes beyond that....this is personal. I want to be successful in this because, to me...this isn't just another hoop I have to jump through on my way to my degree....there is purpose in this, more than just a grade or, eventually, a degree...this is what Nursing, my career, is all about...making a difference, changing lives, helping those who would be helpless without you. This isn't the direction I ever saw my nursing career going, of course this isn't the direction I saw my life going either...but, here I am!
Even if my protocol helps one woman, it will all have been worth it...to know that something that I did helped someone in such a personal way.

We're still alive!!!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated!! I'm falling behind...and not just on here either. I guess life with an infant became a reality!
Caleb is almost 4 months old now. He's teething, starting to roll over, "talking" a whole lot as well as smiling and laughing. His advancement seems to just happen...I'm amazed at how it seemed like one day tummy time was the worst thing every (he still doesn't like too much of it) and he could kinda hold his head up...bobbing up and down, and the next day he was propping himself up and holding his head up like a champ! I can't believe how quickly changes happen in this little man's life....of course, everyone I run into (even if I don't know them...and I've been amazed at the amount of "strangers" who come up to me and ask if they can look at my baby!) says how "fast it goes". They ain't lyin'!!
He's remained a big boy thus far, we have an *unofficial* weight of 17-18 lbs. (*You know when you stand on your home scale, weigh yourself and then weigh again holding him and subtract the difference!) He's in anywhere from 6 mo to 6-9 mo...to 12mo even in some things. His hair is looking more and more like it may end up red....we'll see. His eyes remain blue thus far.
Teething has been a difficult challenge to troubleshoot....because it seems to make him have more gas. (I need to look this up...) Anyway, we now have teething tablets, oragel, mylicon, and gripe water....trying to find what will make little man happy....because when he gets to hurtin we don't know what he wants! Oh, and Tylenol...just for good measure. (Please don't think we start shovin everything down at once! This is just all the things we have on hand to try!) If anyone has any teething remedies/suggestions I'm open to try anything. He seems to really get in discomfort in the evening....7ish. And bedtime is a nightmare lately. However, at any time in the day it can hit and he just screams.....breaks my heart.
Matt is getting ready to go into another outage....5 weeks, starting next week (this coming week). It's no fun, but the extra $ is always nice.
We're gonna have new windows installed, whenever they are in. We're very excited about that! Our windows are old and disgusting, so this will make us look a little less ghetto. (Of course, since we took the window out of the bathroom when we redid it...but it's still rigged to look like ones there until we reside-because we didn't want a boared hole in the front of our house, it's gonna look really ghetto and keep ppl wondering why on earth we left that one stinkin window!!)
I got a new vehicle a few weeks ago because Matt's Ranger officially is kaput. Matt graduated to the Jeep and I am now driving a Kia Sorento. I love it!!! It wasn't in the plan, but I just thank God we're able to do it. Of course, that means no more wondering about if we should move any time soon....we will remain in this house until one (or both) our vehicles are paid off. But, that's ok....with the new Windows downstairs we're thinking about possibly finishing it down there to have extra space. Maybe a family room or a play area....or both!
We're planning a family trip to Florida in May, with my dad and Heidi...and possibly with Heidi's sister and her kiddos! With Caleb's meltdown's as of late I'm a little hesitant at the thought of traveling with a 6 mo old in a car for that long....but, we'll make it work! (Pray for us...I think we might be nutty. And pray for the others, so they don't kill us!)
School is groovin for me. A few more weeks and I "graduate" (I get to walk May 1st and yet still have one more class over the summer before I'm officially done....how lovely)! I'm getting excited. I'm praying a job pans out of my clinical efforts this semester....but I'll have to write about that another day.
And that's what's been goin on!