Today I am so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions I'm not sure if I'll be able to get out all I want to say and have it sound intelligible, let alone eloquent. However, I have to try and release what's in my heart. Not so much for myself...because I'm already feeling it. Not so much for my Lord, because He already knows it. But for all of "you"....you who are family, you who are friends...you whom I love and I would be remiss to not try and shout from the "mountain top" how I'm feeling, because I would never want to keep the joy that I have to myself.
If you are reading my blog, you already know something about the struggle and the road that I've taken to lead me to motherhood. It's been bumpy, and painful...stressful and uncomfortable. But today, I am so THANKFUL for ALL OF IT. Every bit of the struggle, every bit of the pain....every moment I waited (and I know some have waited longer than I...), the loss that I've endured. I am so thankful for it all, because I believe without it I would not be able to see the miracle that I have in my son today. He truly is a miracle.... He is a deliberate answer to a fervent prayer that I have petitioned for daily for the past 4 years!
God is so AMAZING!! He knows our hearts, He knows our desires....and His timing and His way are perfect.
I think one of the ways Caleb is such a special miracle to me is because I get a small glimpse of what our Heavenly Father feels toward us....toward me. Not only because I'm now a mother and can comprehend the love a parent feels toward their child (which is nothing that one can explain, it's just something that happens....and it didn't happen right away for me either, but it's there and it's amazing!), but because I'm an ADOPTIVE mother....and we're all children of the Lord...adopted into His Heavenly family. I kinda feel like it's a special bond between me and the Lord now....and I can't explain it.
God is such a creative God...when I think back to the timing of all this, and how Matt and I were just getting ready to call the doctor about resuming our fertility treatments. When I think about how we endured months and months of fertility treatments that resulted in nothing... When I think about how many times we tried pursuing adoption on our own, through an agency, and never felt like it was quite the right time. I think back on all these things knowing that my Lord hand His Hand in it all. Because he knew there was a little boy, who was going to be born on November 3, 2009 that was going to need a mother and a father. And He hand picked Matt and myself to be the blessed parents of this little precious bundle. He knew that it would be really difficult at times to endure the pain of waiting and the pain of miscarriages...the pain of seeing my monthly cycle and being discouraged time after time. He knew ALL that....but He saw BEYOND all that...to this moment. He saw little Caleb, an orphan, and He allowed him to be delivered right into my arms. God doesn't always work in our timing....or in our way....but He ALWAYS works! I can't imagine loving this little man any more...and even though he's only been with us a few weeks, I can't imagine life without him!
God is such a personal, loving God. He knows our life, He knows our hearts, our desires....and He WANTS to give them to us. To you....
I am so blessed this Thanksgiving day...I am so thankful for a God who loves me and knows me personally. He formed me and knows all the hairs on my head. He knows my thoughts before I think them and my words before I speak them. And He CHOSE me... He chose me to be Caleb's mom....
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
New Beginings
With the new addition to our family and the new developments in our life I deemed it an appropriate time to begin a new blog! This blog will be by invitation only, so...mostly for family and a few friends that I know have "checked in" on the blog from time to time! So...without further dely....
Caleb is doing great! I keep hearing about what a blessing I have in him, besides the obvious.....he's a very content boy and is almost (*knock on wood*) sleeping "through" the night!! He definatley will do a 6-8 hour stretch through the night....it just depends on when he starts his night as how much of a "night" it is for me!! :) But, any stretch of time is good....and typically in the am, he'll take a bottle and lay back down for a few hours.....so if he wakes up early (like at 4 am) he'll eat and go back to sleep! He's been very good for church and out and about! I take him with me wherever I need to go (like to choir practice or my cousin's bridal shower) and he just hangs out or sleeps! As good as he is, fatigue still finds me. I realize this makes me sound like a huge wimp conisering I'm NOT working and yes I'm in school full time....it's still not as much as others. I think the "stress" of some other things in our lives, as well as just finalizing the adoption proceedings (which will be an ongoing thing for a little while)...coupled with the fact that Matt has had some pretty crazy hours at work lately and I've just been tired! I broke out my friend Mr. Coffee....he forgave me for placing him away in the buffett for so long and promised to give me a much needed pick up every morning as long as I promised to never neglect him again, I agreed. However, I think he's having the last laugh because today I think I put one too many scoops in the filter (I was a little too eager) and my coffe tasted discustingly strong. And then I managed to spill it on myself on my way to clinical....of course that might be the revenge of Matt's truck for always talking about it with such disdain....
I am very much looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday this week!! I think I almost look forward to Thanksgiving more than Christmas.... I think it's because the dynamic at Thanksgiving is different...there's different ppl at our Thanksgiving gathering than for Christmans. Plus there's the anticipation of Christmas around the corner....and....BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING!!!! The tradition started for us about 3 years ago and we're still going strong.... (ok, 3 yrs isn't that long...) This year the numbers have dwindled significatnly though. Matt will be working, so he's out. And mom and Guy will be watching lil man, so they're out. So that leaves Tiffany, Cassandra and myself.... I'm soooo excited!!! And I really don't know why, I don't have any "special" purchase I'm looking forward to!! I just think the rush of it all is exciting!
Well, it's almost time for another bottle for lil man....
Here's to a new blog in honor of our new life with our new lil man....a new beginning!
Caleb is doing great! I keep hearing about what a blessing I have in him, besides the obvious.....he's a very content boy and is almost (*knock on wood*) sleeping "through" the night!! He definatley will do a 6-8 hour stretch through the night....it just depends on when he starts his night as how much of a "night" it is for me!! :) But, any stretch of time is good....and typically in the am, he'll take a bottle and lay back down for a few hours.....so if he wakes up early (like at 4 am) he'll eat and go back to sleep! He's been very good for church and out and about! I take him with me wherever I need to go (like to choir practice or my cousin's bridal shower) and he just hangs out or sleeps! As good as he is, fatigue still finds me. I realize this makes me sound like a huge wimp conisering I'm NOT working and yes I'm in school full time....it's still not as much as others. I think the "stress" of some other things in our lives, as well as just finalizing the adoption proceedings (which will be an ongoing thing for a little while)...coupled with the fact that Matt has had some pretty crazy hours at work lately and I've just been tired! I broke out my friend Mr. Coffee....he forgave me for placing him away in the buffett for so long and promised to give me a much needed pick up every morning as long as I promised to never neglect him again, I agreed. However, I think he's having the last laugh because today I think I put one too many scoops in the filter (I was a little too eager) and my coffe tasted discustingly strong. And then I managed to spill it on myself on my way to clinical....of course that might be the revenge of Matt's truck for always talking about it with such disdain....
I am very much looking forward to the Thanksgiving holiday this week!! I think I almost look forward to Thanksgiving more than Christmas.... I think it's because the dynamic at Thanksgiving is different...there's different ppl at our Thanksgiving gathering than for Christmans. Plus there's the anticipation of Christmas around the corner....and....BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING!!!! The tradition started for us about 3 years ago and we're still going strong.... (ok, 3 yrs isn't that long...) This year the numbers have dwindled significatnly though. Matt will be working, so he's out. And mom and Guy will be watching lil man, so they're out. So that leaves Tiffany, Cassandra and myself.... I'm soooo excited!!! And I really don't know why, I don't have any "special" purchase I'm looking forward to!! I just think the rush of it all is exciting!
Well, it's almost time for another bottle for lil man....
Here's to a new blog in honor of our new life with our new lil man....a new beginning!
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