Wee turned 9 months earlier this week....I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!! Matt and I have been tossing around ideas to celebrate his first birthday, which I fear will be here before I know it!
It was just over a year ago that I was on my way home from a meeting at church.... As I turned the corner onto my street, I didn't know that my life would forever be changing that day. I didn't know that I would be finding out that I was going to be a mamma. Not in the 'ordinary' way was I told, by a plastic stick with pink lines, or by a phone call with lab results. Instead, I was given the honor/privilege of being asked if I would consider raising someone else's baby. Someone made a selfless and heart-wrenching decision to offer their child a life she knew she couldn't provide. I have no idea what that feels like....I will probably never understand. The closest I can come is the grief I've felt over 3 miscarriages, and yet I know it's totally different. I don't know if I've ever had to make a decision that selfless...I don't know that I could do it. It was on that day both of our lives changed forever....as well as the life of that baby growing inside her.
It was just over a year ago that I was struggling with the direction to take on how to become a mommy.... Do we pursue more treatment? Should I call the doctor again and set up another round? Can I handle more disappointment, loss, grief? Am I strong enough? I got my answer, not in the way I would have expected. But, the Lord heard my cries and answered my prayers. He made me a mother, in the most unexpected way....at the most unexpected time. He heard all along.... And, I believe, He waited for the perfect timing of THIS child that was growing in someone else's womb. As crazy as it is to understand/comprehend...I believe the Lord saw this day....and the decision this selfless woman was going to have to make. I believe He knew that this moment would come for her, and that He would lay it on her heart to think of us. I believe the Lord, when He was knitting Wee together, was knitting him for Matt and I.
It was just over a year ago that my heart had a void. That my body ached to be a momma. That I grieved for something that seemed so far out of grasp, so impossible to attain. It was just over a year ago that doubt had creeped in almost too far to chase off. That self-pity hung around like a new best friend. That anger over the 'why's' and 'what-if's' was lurking around every corner.
It's funny how much has changed in just over a year. The wait to become a momma seemed to be eternal...and yet, in retrospect, it really wasn't that long. I need to keep these memories of how GREAT my God is at the forefront of my mind. That He hears every pray, and answers in His time, in His way. As I yearn to add to my quiver, as the aching void tries to reacquaint, I must let go knowing that God is in control. I may not not know if it's in God's plan for me to conceive, or to even adopt more children; I may not know when, or how....but I do know that God's plan for my life is perfect. And all I need to do is keep my eyes on Him.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Weight Loss/Healthy Eating
New post for a new thought....Mainly, this didn't really go with the previous thoughts and I didn't really think anyone would want to read a blog post a mile long....not that anyone will read this anyway!
So, I've recently lost 15 lbs just from calorie counting and making healthy food choices. My journey actually began at the beginning of the year when some routine labs done for my annual physical found my cholesterol to be obscene. Actually, it was mainly my triglycerides that basically ratted out my horrific eating habits and how "out of control" my life (probably in general, but defiantly as it relates to food) had become. But, I suppose I should go back a little further to give you a mini history on my "relationship" with food.
I never had a weight problem growing up...but I was always conscious of other people's body types and comparing it to mine. At just over 5'2 with a muscular build, I was always very small...but I had some thicker legs. Of course, it's always WAAAAAAAY worse on the inside looking out. And, as I'm sure most females can relate, I was very critical of my body and always wanted what I didn't have. However, it wasn't until high school that I really began a pattern of unhealthy eating...getting by on cookies and chocolate milk many days at school for lunch, hardly ever eating breakfast. There was one week I went almost an entire school week without eating much more than a cookie at lunch...no dinner. That week happened to be a week I was auditioning for a chorus line in our school's variety show. As I was practicing on stage one night, under the hot stage lights, I started to black out. I recovered and I don't think anyone noticed....but I realized then that I probably needed to eat!
After I graduated high school, I traveled with a singing group and we were forced to eat out a lot. I gained about 15lbs and I felt horrible. As soon as we got home, I got a job and fell quickly back into some crazy habits of not eating. It was kinda "easy" to do because I worked as a server and was typically working during meal time, so by the time I could eat I wasn't hungry. Needless to say I dropped all the wt I gained and then some.
However, as life got pretty bumpy I found comfort in food. I felt that if I had a bad day, or a really good day, or whatever...name the reason and it was an "excuse" to eat poorly. Whether it be a dessert or McD's I 'deserved' it...I earned that meal and that splurge. Soon...it wasn't splurging, it was just all the time. In my early twenties I found myself gaining more and more weight. I still don't know how much I weighed at my top, but I was wearing a size 16 (typical for me was 6 or 8).
When I was around 24 some things in my life changed, mainly my relationship with the Lord became stronger. I began to care about myself and what I placed in my body. As I ate better I had more energy and I began walking everyday after work. I got a dog and he was another reason to keep active. Because I don't know exactly where I topped out at I can't say for sure how much I had lost, but at one point after I had lost some wt I remember weighing around 185...and I had gotten myself down to about 150, a size 12 I believe.
I was doing it, and it felt great. I changed jobs, and with it was a bit more active and some more weight dropped off pretty quickly. However, as my relationship with the Lord wavered a bit...some old habits creeped back in. It felt so good to be dropping wt so quickly that I began to skip meals again. Pretty soon I had lost all the wt and was back down to what I weighed in high school, back to a size 6/8....but I was hardly eating. And because of this my metabolism was on lockdown, and I needed to used laxatives in order to use the bathroom. As my life spiraled further away from the Lord anxiety and panic attacks set in, which caused my stomach to hurt all the time...which further hindered my eating. Soon after Matt and I married I turned in the other direction, seeking comfort from food again. By the time we had been married 6 months I had gained back almost all the weight I had lost! Add in nursing school...ADN and BSN, fertility problems, adoption, bumps in a new marriage...and my weight had reached a lifetime high....200 lbs! WOAH!
The good news is my relationship with the Lord is back on track and has been since about a year into our marriage! The bad news is, because of all the stress and...what I feel have been distractions in my life placed there by the devil....I've continued on with my bad habits/thoughts/attitudes bout food, and really about my own self...what I'm worth and how I view myself. UNTIL NOW!
So, at the beginning of the year when I got my report about the tri's, I was disgusted. And, I was a bit scared. I'm 32. I have a son now. I want to be young and healthy and active. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch someone else do things with him because I'm not able. And what's even worse....I'M A NURSE. I'm educated....I know what's healthy. I know how to eat right. I'm just not doing it.
With a negative health report and my son as inspiration I changed my thoughts and actions. I began a food journal, counted calories and started working out 3X/week. I was doing great and had lost about 12 lbs. Enter allergies/asthma/illness and vacation and at the beginning of July I found myself back to where I had began. Ugh....NOT GOOD. At the beginning of the month I just decided that I can't go back, I can only go forward. And I can't get discouraged by setbacks and just quit. This is not a diet, this is not a temporary thing....this is my new life. I need to understand that when I get sick or go on vacation, or things change in life that I just keep doing what I can and pick it back up when I can. It goes along with the perfectionism I referred to in my last post.... When I feel I'm messing up at something, in the past I've often thrown in the towel. I did this a lot in the past with school. If I got a poor grade, or maybe not even a poor grade but one that was less that I expected/anticipated/wanted....I would often give up and just kinda try. Well....that is all in the past now. I'm gonna mess up, I'm gonna fail from time to time....sometimes I will eat McDonald's fries. It's gonna happen. But, that doesn't mean I throw in the towel and eat the rest of their menu too...and hit Taco Bell for dessert!
So, I re-readjusted my attitude/mindset and got back in the game at the start of this month. Because life has been busy with finishing school, some church activities and ending the month with this nasty virus I've had for about a week...I haven't started my exercise regimen yet. But, I'm so excited that my body has just responded to the healthy foods. I eat when I'm hungry...I eat smaller amounts...I'm not being a strict calorie-counter like before because I have a good idea about caloric amounts for a lot of things. And, I am down 15 lbs. Maybe it's been a bit over a month because we're now into August, and I don't remember when I "began" again in July....but, roughly, it's been a month.
My challenge to myself it to keep track of my goals and accomplishments publicly. To hold myself accountable to the "bloggy world". I may not always have good news to report....but, that's ok. As long as I get back on the "wagon". I should take a pic of myself to try and see the progress. It can me kinda like the month-to-month preggo pics some women do....only, kinda in reverse! (No, I don't be showing my bare belly!)
Along with that, I really want to find some really great new recipes and would like to share with you the ones we really enjoy and will add to our household. Matt really would like me to plan our meals out for the week...instead of going to the store and just getting whatever and then trying to figure out a meal....we will go to the store for exactly what we need for the meals that week. (This also goes hand in hand with us attempting to streamline our budget and see where cuts can be made and savings had, etc.)
So....I will get a pic up soon....onward we march. I can't believe I'm still awake!
So, I've recently lost 15 lbs just from calorie counting and making healthy food choices. My journey actually began at the beginning of the year when some routine labs done for my annual physical found my cholesterol to be obscene. Actually, it was mainly my triglycerides that basically ratted out my horrific eating habits and how "out of control" my life (probably in general, but defiantly as it relates to food) had become. But, I suppose I should go back a little further to give you a mini history on my "relationship" with food.
I never had a weight problem growing up...but I was always conscious of other people's body types and comparing it to mine. At just over 5'2 with a muscular build, I was always very small...but I had some thicker legs. Of course, it's always WAAAAAAAY worse on the inside looking out. And, as I'm sure most females can relate, I was very critical of my body and always wanted what I didn't have. However, it wasn't until high school that I really began a pattern of unhealthy eating...getting by on cookies and chocolate milk many days at school for lunch, hardly ever eating breakfast. There was one week I went almost an entire school week without eating much more than a cookie at lunch...no dinner. That week happened to be a week I was auditioning for a chorus line in our school's variety show. As I was practicing on stage one night, under the hot stage lights, I started to black out. I recovered and I don't think anyone noticed....but I realized then that I probably needed to eat!
After I graduated high school, I traveled with a singing group and we were forced to eat out a lot. I gained about 15lbs and I felt horrible. As soon as we got home, I got a job and fell quickly back into some crazy habits of not eating. It was kinda "easy" to do because I worked as a server and was typically working during meal time, so by the time I could eat I wasn't hungry. Needless to say I dropped all the wt I gained and then some.
However, as life got pretty bumpy I found comfort in food. I felt that if I had a bad day, or a really good day, or whatever...name the reason and it was an "excuse" to eat poorly. Whether it be a dessert or McD's I 'deserved' it...I earned that meal and that splurge. Soon...it wasn't splurging, it was just all the time. In my early twenties I found myself gaining more and more weight. I still don't know how much I weighed at my top, but I was wearing a size 16 (typical for me was 6 or 8).
When I was around 24 some things in my life changed, mainly my relationship with the Lord became stronger. I began to care about myself and what I placed in my body. As I ate better I had more energy and I began walking everyday after work. I got a dog and he was another reason to keep active. Because I don't know exactly where I topped out at I can't say for sure how much I had lost, but at one point after I had lost some wt I remember weighing around 185...and I had gotten myself down to about 150, a size 12 I believe.
I was doing it, and it felt great. I changed jobs, and with it was a bit more active and some more weight dropped off pretty quickly. However, as my relationship with the Lord wavered a bit...some old habits creeped back in. It felt so good to be dropping wt so quickly that I began to skip meals again. Pretty soon I had lost all the wt and was back down to what I weighed in high school, back to a size 6/8....but I was hardly eating. And because of this my metabolism was on lockdown, and I needed to used laxatives in order to use the bathroom. As my life spiraled further away from the Lord anxiety and panic attacks set in, which caused my stomach to hurt all the time...which further hindered my eating. Soon after Matt and I married I turned in the other direction, seeking comfort from food again. By the time we had been married 6 months I had gained back almost all the weight I had lost! Add in nursing school...ADN and BSN, fertility problems, adoption, bumps in a new marriage...and my weight had reached a lifetime high....200 lbs! WOAH!
The good news is my relationship with the Lord is back on track and has been since about a year into our marriage! The bad news is, because of all the stress and...what I feel have been distractions in my life placed there by the devil....I've continued on with my bad habits/thoughts/attitudes bout food, and really about my own self...what I'm worth and how I view myself. UNTIL NOW!
So, at the beginning of the year when I got my report about the tri's, I was disgusted. And, I was a bit scared. I'm 32. I have a son now. I want to be young and healthy and active. I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch someone else do things with him because I'm not able. And what's even worse....I'M A NURSE. I'm educated....I know what's healthy. I know how to eat right. I'm just not doing it.
With a negative health report and my son as inspiration I changed my thoughts and actions. I began a food journal, counted calories and started working out 3X/week. I was doing great and had lost about 12 lbs. Enter allergies/asthma/illness and vacation and at the beginning of July I found myself back to where I had began. Ugh....NOT GOOD. At the beginning of the month I just decided that I can't go back, I can only go forward. And I can't get discouraged by setbacks and just quit. This is not a diet, this is not a temporary thing....this is my new life. I need to understand that when I get sick or go on vacation, or things change in life that I just keep doing what I can and pick it back up when I can. It goes along with the perfectionism I referred to in my last post.... When I feel I'm messing up at something, in the past I've often thrown in the towel. I did this a lot in the past with school. If I got a poor grade, or maybe not even a poor grade but one that was less that I expected/anticipated/wanted....I would often give up and just kinda try. Well....that is all in the past now. I'm gonna mess up, I'm gonna fail from time to time....sometimes I will eat McDonald's fries. It's gonna happen. But, that doesn't mean I throw in the towel and eat the rest of their menu too...and hit Taco Bell for dessert!
So, I re-readjusted my attitude/mindset and got back in the game at the start of this month. Because life has been busy with finishing school, some church activities and ending the month with this nasty virus I've had for about a week...I haven't started my exercise regimen yet. But, I'm so excited that my body has just responded to the healthy foods. I eat when I'm hungry...I eat smaller amounts...I'm not being a strict calorie-counter like before because I have a good idea about caloric amounts for a lot of things. And, I am down 15 lbs. Maybe it's been a bit over a month because we're now into August, and I don't remember when I "began" again in July....but, roughly, it's been a month.
My challenge to myself it to keep track of my goals and accomplishments publicly. To hold myself accountable to the "bloggy world". I may not always have good news to report....but, that's ok. As long as I get back on the "wagon". I should take a pic of myself to try and see the progress. It can me kinda like the month-to-month preggo pics some women do....only, kinda in reverse! (No, I don't be showing my bare belly!)
Along with that, I really want to find some really great new recipes and would like to share with you the ones we really enjoy and will add to our household. Matt really would like me to plan our meals out for the week...instead of going to the store and just getting whatever and then trying to figure out a meal....we will go to the store for exactly what we need for the meals that week. (This also goes hand in hand with us attempting to streamline our budget and see where cuts can be made and savings had, etc.)
So....I will get a pic up soon....onward we march. I can't believe I'm still awake!
Insomnia
I believe this cough syrup I've been taking is having the opposite effect that it should... I believe the warning on the bottle says may cause 'dizziness or drowsiness'...yeah, got none of that going on! It's got codeine in it for pete's sake...why am I not starring at the backs of my eyelids right now? Oh well...
Matt is sleeping, Caleb is sleeping...even the dogs are snoring in the kitchen. I'm awake, on the couch, on the computer, mid-manicure (I mean, what else is there to do but give myself a french tip?) and I thought blogging would be a good idea.... :)
I still am not keeping up with my blog like I would hope to...I think I need to do better about that. To 'vent' and write and think 'out loud'. Here's what's being tossed around in the 'ol noodle....
Matt and I went to see a community theatre production of the musical "Hair" tonight. (Before I go any further I must explain that I really knew nothing about this musical...Matt and I have enjoyed watching live theatre as a treat to ourselves from time to time...we've seen Jersey Boys, Wicked, Hairspray...all traveling professional companies.....I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS MUSICAL WAS ABOUT....if I had, I would NOT have gone to see it). So...mistake #1 was not educating myself as to the content of this show. Mistake #2 was going to see community theatre when we've been partaking in off-Broadway productions. Needless to say...it was a disaster all around. On the ride home we're discussing and laughing and I pointed out that I probably have a better voice than everyone in the show tonight. After saying this I turn to Matt and ask if that sounded horrible/rude...I didn't mean to be so blunt, but I really felt that way. (Now...mind you....I sing on a regular basis in my church choir/praise team....but have NEVER done any community theatre. The closest I've been was in high school, where I NEVER auditioned for a part...I just stuck with the chorus because it was 'easy'.) Matt turns to me and says...that may be true, but they were up there and you weren't. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaang. But, he's right. I don't feel a call to use my voice for community theatre, or any theatre (not that I think there's something wrong to do so). I do feel called to sing/lead worship for the Lord. And yet...I get all hung up on sounding 'perfect', sounding a certain way, pleasing people, pleasing myself... I freeze.... And then what comes out is not an accurate representation of the gift I believe the Lord has blessed me with , or the attitude/soul behind what I sing. This perfectly leads into another thought...
I get so caught up in making the "wrong" decision at times that I don't make any decision. This could be as simple as purchasing an article of clothing to as complex as taking a new job. I've been applying for jobs here in the last few weeks as I am now officially done with my BSN and it is also clear that once the student loans come rolling in we will need me to be making some income to offset the increase in our monthly expenditures. I don't need to work a lot of hours or make a ton of money...but, we will need a bit extra. So, I've been applying for some positions to areas I feel would be a good fit for me (OB/NICU positions mostly).... I learned from my last job that 3rd shift is not a good option for me/my health, and yet most positions posted are 3rd shift. I also know that I really want to be home as much as possible so that we don't have to content with daycare. So, basicly I have all these "criteria" of what my perfect job would be...and I'm not sure if that even exists! And then to make things more confusing, there is a couple in my neighborhood who have no family in the area and not a lot of great daycare options....so, this could potentially be a good fit. I pray, and I pray.....and I want so DESPERATELY to hear the Lord. Because I want to be in His will, I want to do what HE wants me to do...and I don't want to be miserable because I'm not in His will. So, I end up going round and round about things in my head until I'm so confused.....
I guess I just want to be DONE....done being confused and frozen and fearful. So what if I move forward in the wrong direction? As long as I'm being prayerful about what I'm doing and am honestly listening for His direction, He knows my heart and if I get it wrong He'll gently guide me to the right place. And so what if I sing and the notes don't all sound perfect...if I'm in His will and doing what He's anointed me to do, the notes won't matter as much as the anointing that flows from obedience. I'm tired of the devil trying to rule my mind with confusion and fear. I'm tired of trying to be perfect. NEWSFLASH JEN....you aren't, and you never will be this side of Heaven. God knows your heart, He knows you desire to be in His will with all things. So...just be bold. If you make a mistake....make it big. Because you can't be GREAT in Him by tiptoeing around in life.
I'm ready to be the woman that He created me to be. Strong and bold, determined and passionate, eager and willing, a servant with a humble heart and a willing attitude, confident about the gifts He's given me and not afraid to step out of my comfort zone and use them. I know there is a purpose in my life that He created me for...I want to be used, I don't want to be passed up because I wasn't ready or willing...or because I was too afraid I might 'get it wrong' or 'mess up'. He wants us to come BOLDLY to the throne....BOLDLY!!! Lord I pray for boldness in my life...a boldness that I've never experienced before. To say and do things without question....to stand confident in knowing who You are, and who I am in YOU!
Matt is sleeping, Caleb is sleeping...even the dogs are snoring in the kitchen. I'm awake, on the couch, on the computer, mid-manicure (I mean, what else is there to do but give myself a french tip?) and I thought blogging would be a good idea.... :)
I still am not keeping up with my blog like I would hope to...I think I need to do better about that. To 'vent' and write and think 'out loud'. Here's what's being tossed around in the 'ol noodle....
Matt and I went to see a community theatre production of the musical "Hair" tonight. (Before I go any further I must explain that I really knew nothing about this musical...Matt and I have enjoyed watching live theatre as a treat to ourselves from time to time...we've seen Jersey Boys, Wicked, Hairspray...all traveling professional companies.....I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THIS MUSICAL WAS ABOUT....if I had, I would NOT have gone to see it). So...mistake #1 was not educating myself as to the content of this show. Mistake #2 was going to see community theatre when we've been partaking in off-Broadway productions. Needless to say...it was a disaster all around. On the ride home we're discussing and laughing and I pointed out that I probably have a better voice than everyone in the show tonight. After saying this I turn to Matt and ask if that sounded horrible/rude...I didn't mean to be so blunt, but I really felt that way. (Now...mind you....I sing on a regular basis in my church choir/praise team....but have NEVER done any community theatre. The closest I've been was in high school, where I NEVER auditioned for a part...I just stuck with the chorus because it was 'easy'.) Matt turns to me and says...that may be true, but they were up there and you weren't. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaang. But, he's right. I don't feel a call to use my voice for community theatre, or any theatre (not that I think there's something wrong to do so). I do feel called to sing/lead worship for the Lord. And yet...I get all hung up on sounding 'perfect', sounding a certain way, pleasing people, pleasing myself... I freeze.... And then what comes out is not an accurate representation of the gift I believe the Lord has blessed me with , or the attitude/soul behind what I sing. This perfectly leads into another thought...
I get so caught up in making the "wrong" decision at times that I don't make any decision. This could be as simple as purchasing an article of clothing to as complex as taking a new job. I've been applying for jobs here in the last few weeks as I am now officially done with my BSN and it is also clear that once the student loans come rolling in we will need me to be making some income to offset the increase in our monthly expenditures. I don't need to work a lot of hours or make a ton of money...but, we will need a bit extra. So, I've been applying for some positions to areas I feel would be a good fit for me (OB/NICU positions mostly).... I learned from my last job that 3rd shift is not a good option for me/my health, and yet most positions posted are 3rd shift. I also know that I really want to be home as much as possible so that we don't have to content with daycare. So, basicly I have all these "criteria" of what my perfect job would be...and I'm not sure if that even exists! And then to make things more confusing, there is a couple in my neighborhood who have no family in the area and not a lot of great daycare options....so, this could potentially be a good fit. I pray, and I pray.....and I want so DESPERATELY to hear the Lord. Because I want to be in His will, I want to do what HE wants me to do...and I don't want to be miserable because I'm not in His will. So, I end up going round and round about things in my head until I'm so confused.....
I guess I just want to be DONE....done being confused and frozen and fearful. So what if I move forward in the wrong direction? As long as I'm being prayerful about what I'm doing and am honestly listening for His direction, He knows my heart and if I get it wrong He'll gently guide me to the right place. And so what if I sing and the notes don't all sound perfect...if I'm in His will and doing what He's anointed me to do, the notes won't matter as much as the anointing that flows from obedience. I'm tired of the devil trying to rule my mind with confusion and fear. I'm tired of trying to be perfect. NEWSFLASH JEN....you aren't, and you never will be this side of Heaven. God knows your heart, He knows you desire to be in His will with all things. So...just be bold. If you make a mistake....make it big. Because you can't be GREAT in Him by tiptoeing around in life.
I'm ready to be the woman that He created me to be. Strong and bold, determined and passionate, eager and willing, a servant with a humble heart and a willing attitude, confident about the gifts He's given me and not afraid to step out of my comfort zone and use them. I know there is a purpose in my life that He created me for...I want to be used, I don't want to be passed up because I wasn't ready or willing...or because I was too afraid I might 'get it wrong' or 'mess up'. He wants us to come BOLDLY to the throne....BOLDLY!!! Lord I pray for boldness in my life...a boldness that I've never experienced before. To say and do things without question....to stand confident in knowing who You are, and who I am in YOU!
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